Life has its ups and downs

I realised that I have never done an in depth post on my life upto now. Ive wanted to for a long time but always felt self conscious that things haven't gone how Id planned. But lets be honest who's life does? 

At 18 I fell in love, got engaged within a month, and was pregnant by the end of the year. Quite a statement really isn't it. But let me fill you in a little bit more. I had never really been in love before (and haven't been again FYI) and fell head over heels. It was fast yes. Do i regret any of it? Not one bit. I have never been the type of girl to rush into anything, I never went out and did the stereotypical teenage thing of going out and getting drunk, etc. I was very much and still am, a home girl, who would rather spend time with her family and close friends. But this felt right. 
To find out I was pregnant was a dream come true, at 18 yes I was young, but after being told that you may possibly not be able to conceive naturally who wouldn't be over the moon.....we were both over the moon. 
Fast forward nine months and we welcomed Blake to the world. He was and is, perfect in every way. For the next year we lived in a bubble, everything was perfect. Then I fell pregnant, and suffered a miscarriage, my world fell apart. Looking back this is where I feel I began to fall into a deep depression, did I see it? Nope, not in the slightest, can i see it now? For sure. 
I wasn't in bed crying every day, I was still up and living normally, to everyone else that is. I lived in my own little bubble, I became overly protective of Blake, and struggled to let him out of my sight. My anxiety was at an all time high. I would have full blown panic attacks at the slightest thing. 
I started to push my fiance away. I wanted to run. 
Run and hide the three of us away. But then we found out that three, was going to become four, I was pregnant. And scared crapless! We waited until our 12 week scan to tell anyone, we were so excited to find out our little girl was perfectly healthy and six months later we welcomed Faith into the world. 

My anxieties worsened along with my depression. I felt like I was watching myself live my life. I couldn't understand why i wasn't happy. I should be happy, I had a wonderful fiance and two perfect children. I was so mad at myself for not feeling happy. Now I can see it was the depression, back then I felt like i deserved none of it, I didn't deserve my children or this man who loved me. So I pushed him away again, started to cause pointless arguments. 

In the august of 2012 we finally got married. The whole day is a blur, to be honest I cannot remember much of it. Only the speeches and walking down the isle. I think my anxiety has blocked the rest from my memory, I struggled to please everyone that day, it felt more like a day for everyone else than for us. I had hoped we would take the children abroad and with our closest family get married on the beach. This upset too many people so we changed our plans. I really wish we hadn't. Our wedding day just wasn't us. 

Life was very up and down for me after the wedding. Id focused so hard on that one day. I hid it as best as I could. I didn't want my family or friends to know. I didn't even confide in my husband. I was labelled as rude at family gatherings because I wasn't seen as being sociable. That wasn't what I wanted. At all. My anxiety had gotten so incredibly bad with people I didn't know all that well that it would take all my strength just to attend, let alone mingle. 

I was too scared to go to the doctors, too scared to tell anyone. Instead I tried to carry on.
This in my eyes cost me my marriage. I turned into someone I was not proud of at all. I was grumpy, and a shell of who I really was. I could go from being incredibly happy to balling my eyes out in a second. I wasnt fun to be around. 

There was a couple of other details on my husbands side that I wont go into. 
But after one huge row two years after we got married he left, when he returned he told me it was over, and that he had already discussed moving back with his parents previously, I was devastated. Blamed him for everything. When in fact it was both of our faults. 

I had a break down a few weeks later, I was trying to get the kids ready for nursery one morning and collapsed. I was lucky i had family close by. 

Signing those divorce papers was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But i got through it. I had no choice, I have two children who need me. 

The children see their dad and his girlfriend every two weeks. Its a hard situation.

I have dated one guy since our divorce, it wasn't right. It made me realise alot.

So currently we are living with my parents. Me and the children share a room. I am hoping within the next year I will have saved enough to get us a small place of our own. I am working as much as my body will allow. I also suffer with Fibromyalgia and hypermobility syndrome. So working is tough. But after all this I have realised a few things.

I am alot stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Mental health issues is nothing to be ashamed of, dont keep it to yourself.

No comments